three weeks…

My sweet friend Sharon O. sent this little angel this week. My motto for 2015…

As I type this, I am sitting on the sofa in my jammies, surrounded by soft blankets, a full box of kleenex, and a cup of steaming hot tea. I got up at the crack of noon after taking some seriously awesome Vicadin laced cough syrup last night. I actually slept without hacking up a lung for the first time in a week.


Better living through pharmaceuticals people. Live it. Love it.


Thanks to all of you for sending the Mass cards. sympathy cards and supportive emails. I appreciate all the love coming our way. I promise thank you nots will start going out next week and emails will be responded to. I will get caught up in the next two weeks. Slow and steady wins the race.


It’s been three weeks since our Courtney went home to heaven. Things here at Chez Lenaburg are very slowly returning to normal. Well not normal per say, but we are creating a new daily routine, sorta kinda, maybe…ish…


I find myself with lots of time on my hands these days. I am coming to understand just how much of my life revolved around carrying for my Courtmiester. When she was with us, I just never thought about it. I went about each day trying to create the most loving, supportive environment so she would be able to reach her potential. I tried to do the same for her big brother and my husband. I failed more than I succeeded but I never gave up and kept trying.


I chose to find JOY everyday in whatever was happening. Even at the end, when Courtney was in a coma, there was still JOY to be found in the day. Her peaceful demeanor, her lack of pain, our sense of peace that we had done everything we could to help her.


Now there is just a big empty hole in my day. I am not sad 24/7. I don’t cry as much as I did week one but I do miss her something fierce. She is with me every moment, in my heart , on my mind. She has never left. I am grateful for that gift. Now I just need to figure out what to do with my time.


There are several projects around the house that need my attention ASAP. This week we cleaned out Courtney’s bedroom. It was not as hard as I thought it would be, but there were a few difficult  moments for sure. Remember the Fall of 2013 when we put it together with YOUR help. What a gift that room was to us over the past year. Such a happy loving space.


SO many nights spent in the comfy chair rocking my girl, singing and loving on her. It was a place of such joy and such love. There was fear and anxiety as well, but God was always present. Always. I waited for Miss Courtney to tell me it was OK to move forward before I got to work. Our house is quite small (total 1500 sq ft, including garage) so usable space is at a premium. When I went into her room this past Monday, I felt a sense of peace and calm, no tears or anxiety. I knew it was time to move forward.


Thankfully my Mom and my sweet friend Christine were with me to support me as we went through all the dressers, closet, under bed storage and her bookcases. So much love in that room. I was overwhelmed by all the joy and laughter we experienced in that room as well as those precious last moments spent with our daughter this side of heaven. How blessed we were to have been chosen to be Courtney’s family. How supremely blessed.


Whatever could not be donated to a local special needs family or Courtney’s school, was disposed of. Her clothes went to three different cousins and a close family friend. Her books were split among several families making some little people very, very happy. All we have left is her seizure monitor. SO if someone reading this has a need for it, just email me and it is yours. Time to pay it forward.


I have kept all the art work given to her or made for her for her last birthday. I will do a little rearranging as my new sewing/craft/writing space comes together. The walls will stay the same color as will the curtains. I will slowly be bringing my sewing and crafting supplies into the space. I feel good about the repurposing of the space. I think Courtney would approve.


I promise to share my progress here in the space as it all comes together. For now though, it’s back to bed. I feel a nap coming on…