the weight of her…

ByMary Lenaburg

It has been a week since God called my Courtney home to Him. 


One whole week and I am still living, breathing and making it through my days, dazed, at times confused, at other times consumed with tears and sadness but taking it one step at a time. 


As much as I hate this, I know that we will survive this separation. 


I miss the weight of her snuggled into my body. I miss the sound of her breathing. I miss her laughter. I miss big beautiful smile. I miss her hands wound around mine. I miss our time snuggling by the Christmas tree. 


I.miss.my.Courtney. 


I find myself standing in the kitchen making her formula before I realize that she doesn’t need it anymore. Getting her meds ready or prepping her feeding tube. Twenty-two years of habits will take time to break. 


Time. I seem to have lots of time on my hands now. I am waiting for God to tell me what to do next. Until then, I nap a lot. 


I cannot be upset at the fact that God called her home. I cannot be sad that she is in heaven running, jumping, singing and basically having the time of her life. For a child who could not have sugar, can you even imagine what her heavenly banquet looks like. Chocolate anyone?? 


I cannot be upset that she is out of pain, will never experience another seizure, will never fight for breath again, or will never see the inside of another hospital room again. 


I cannot for one millisecond begrudge her an eternity dancing at the throne of her Beloved Lord being surrounded by relatives and friends who have gone home before her. 


I just wish I could hold her one more time. I wish I could hear her laugh one more time. I wish I could sing her to sleep one more time. 


Alas, that is not to be. 


I miss her physical presence in my daily life. I think it will always be this way. I think this is the hardest part of losing someone you loved so much. You have to wait until you yourself are called home in order to touch their face again. 


One day little girl. One day I will hold you in my arms again. 


Until then, run baby run…

25 Comments

  1. Mary, you have been much in my thoughts and prayers this week. Courtney is so loved! Wishing you comfort and peace, knowing it must be so hard.

  2. Holding you close in prayer, Mary. You have taught me much about mothering just in the past two weeks that I have known about you and your sweet girl.

  3. Hi Mary! I am praying for you and your family. Your daughter, Courtney, is just so beautiful, and you are too! Such a wonderful Mama. I hope that one day, if you feel called to do so, you will write a book about your life, about Courtney, about your conversion and mission. Your story and your attitude are so inspiring and real. I wish you much peace and fortitude during this difficult time, and I will continue to check-in on your blog just to enjoy your posts and capture a look at beautiful Courtney.

  4. Mary,
    You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. This is yet another beautiful post honoring your precious Courtney. I agree with the above comment that you should put your journey with Courtney in a book format. You are such a gifted writer and a wonderful Mom. Courtney continues to touch lives (when she's not busy running and playing with her other friends and family 😉 ). God bless you always!

  7. I cannot imagine the pain you feel. I hope that when the time comes for a loved one I be called home I can do so with the hope faith and grace you have.

  10. Mary… I pray for you all the time. I cannot imagine how you cope with the sudden change in every habit you have ever had as a mother. I pray for peace for you and the days will eventually ease away the sharp pain. A new normal will emerge, for now allow yourself the sleep, the tears, and the missing her. She of all people knows how much you miss her, and I am sure she is loving on you from Heaven. Sleep Mary, rest, and honor her memory so deeply. We love you and pray for you. +AMDG+

  12. You have been in my thoughts and prayers a lot this past week. My best friend's son passed away several years ago due to the same medical issues as your Courtney. I'll bet he was waiting to welcome her when she entered Heaven!

  15. Dear Mary, you are right that the habits will take time. Your whole life was entwined with hers in every moment. Keep taking the naps, we are material beings as well as spiritual ones and grief is a very physical experience. I keep thinking of Jesus, weeping for Lazarus; He understands the pain of physical separation. Meanwhile, we continue to pray for you, Jerry, Jonathan and all the family and friends who are missing her physical presence.

  16. "For Courtney's family" is a permanent prayer petition in our home. Thank you for keeping us up to date on your journey. May I ask your prayers for my friend, Sarah, in her difficult pregnancy? She is due in mid-August and suffering from extreme anxiety and fear. Thank you!

  17. An above poster said it correctly…prayers (always) and tears (after reading this). I've followed your blog since about September and rarely comment, but wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

  19. It's been a little over five years and I still, on occasion, set Ryan's place at the table. It's always going to be a family of ten to me even though we are physically a family of nine now. Some habits die hard and I wonder if you are ever able to not be, in some way seeking, their presence in the house or to be including them. It's really hard my friend. You are in my prayers.

  22. I am holding you in my prayers today. I stumbled into your blog- and clicked on yours because I thought that you have such a beautiful smile. I am in sorrow with you, after reading about your precious girl. I pray that Our Lady holds Courtney in her arms at this moment. Today is the Feast Day of St. Brother Andre Bessette. He was a small, sickly young man who wanted to be a priest. His bishop did not know what to do with him because he was so ill all the time. He assigned him for the night to stay at a boys' Catholic boarding school, and he became their door greeter, and carried their bags for the next 40 years. He was greatly devoted to St. Joseph. When the boys became ill, he went to them at every hour and prayed for them. His intercession and resulting healing brought many more people to see him. But he was a humble man who would pray and take no credit for God's work. He desired to build a church for St. Joseph. So he cut the boys' hair, and from the money he made from doing that, he built a small church. That church is today a Cathedral in Montreal. St. Andre is a man who suffered the loss of those he loved, as you have. He worked so very hard, as I am certain that you do. He is your man today. I am praying that he will intercede before St. Joseph and the Lord Himself to lift you up. From small, daily works of mercy, you have built more than you know. Your sadness is aligned with Our Lady. There is no greater suffering, and yet your suffering is with hers, just as she cried for Jesus. You are precious. I will keep you in my prayers. May God Bless You and Keep You, dear heart.

  23. Oh Mary, keep on loving your girl – every single second of every single day. That love will only grow, she is with love now – she is in His loving arms!

    God bless you and your family!

  24. Thank you for sharing all of this. I teach children with special needs and I find myself thinking of (& praying to) Courtney throughout my day as I prepare my classroom and get ready for another semester.
    God Bless You and Your Family!

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