sometimes they leave you halfway through the woods…
Today was raining and cold here in NoVa, so I ditched the house cleaning, grabbed my girlfriend Marjanna and we went off to lunch and a movie. After a fabulous bowl of Spaghetti alla Carbonara and a delightful cappuccino, we saw “Into the Woods”. It was a pretty cool movie. I loved when the Prince and his brother were singing “Agony”. Cheesy and fabulous.
The most touching part for me came at the end with the Baker, as he faces life without his beloved wife, trying to care for his newborn son alone. He is overcome with fear and runs away before realizing that he is not alone in this journey. He can move forward in life surrounded by those who love him and will be there to help him along the way.
I had tears in my eyes at that point, because I was seeing myself. Then I heard this line in the song “sometimes they leave you halfway through the woods”. It made me pause and I actually held my breath for a second.
My mind went straight to my Courtney. She has left me halfway through the woods, and now I have to find a new path. I am lost in the shadows of the trees.
Like…way lost in the freakin’ shadows.
I just don’t know how to proceed with life. I have ALL this time on my hands, and everyone has an opinion of what I should be doing and how I should be doing. The memories of my sweet girl surround me daily. I am exhausted even if all I have done is clean a bathroom and that’s it. The words and emotions get twisted in my head and my heart. I even have difficulty explaining how I feel to people, including my husband at times.
This coming Tuesday we will pass the one month anniversary of our girl’s heaven homecoming. It feels like it happened yesterday.
One month without holding her.
One month without hearing her laughter or seeing her bucktoothed smile.
One month without my sweet, brave, vivacious Courtney.
My heart aches quietly, every moment of every day. Yet, there is still joy in our home amidst the struggle to remain present in my day and not drown in the sadness that can overwhelm me quickly. My husband and I share stories of our spunky Courtney, then Jonathan jumps in with his own and there is laughter.
People email me with stories of how my girl is helping them and my heart smiles for I know this is what she has waited for her whole life. That constant joy and pure bliss of an eternity with her Beloved Jesus. She is at home with her Bridegroom and she is loved in a way I cannot yet imagine. The thought of it makes me giddy. She did it! She finished her race with grace and strength.
My marathon continues, and damn my legs are tired and my heart is heavy at times. I am working on celebrating those small pockets of happiness that give me hope and strength to fight through. A new recipe successfully executed, a hug from my favorite pre-schooler, a movie date with a dear friend, dinner with my Youth Ministry kids or holding hands during an evening walk with my sweet husband.
Small pockets but very good pockets.
Yes, Courtney left me halfway through the woods, but I am finally beginning to see the path God is setting before me and my family, one step at a time, Courtney’s sunshine lighting the way from above.
God is GOOD, ALL the time,
God must be so pleased with how graciously and honestly you have accepted this less than terrific journey He has sent you on, Mary. Your humor and honesty are so wonderfully shared. Thank you for continuing to allow us to tag along on your trip. And I'm not sure if you know that Vizslas have wonderful healing properties. Hugs!
There is no timeline for grief and one month is no time at all. Just be kind to yourself, Mary. You most certainly deserve it.
Your post are always amazing and this one truly captures the feelings of grief. The first year is so incredibly hard, but slowly things get easier (never better just easier). Thank you for continuing to share your story with us.
You know. I read somewhere that you should allow yourself one month for every year you were in a relationship before forcing yourself to snap out of it and live again, like if you've broken up or gotten divorced.
So really. How many months reasonably could you expect to be grieving?
So many more than one. Most people at one month haven't begun moving forward in the process of the seven stagesnot grief.
Not that I'm proposing sitting and dwelling…. But for real, M, you get more than one month.
It took me 6 months and therapy bringer over just becoming disabled and losing the ability to decide for myself if I was able.physically to work or not anymore (vs having a traitorous body make that call for me….) I was numb, then sad, then angry and still 4 yrs later I find myself wandering through pockets of grief stilL on occasion. And I'm only grieving a job choice ability.
I can't imagine if I was grieving my Kidlet. Pretty sure I'd be railing at God from the nutty bin.
You know. I read somewhere that you should allow yourself one month for every year you were in a relationship before forcing yourself to snap out of it and live again, like if you've broken up or gotten divorced.
So really. How many months reasonably could you expect to be grieving?
So many more than one. Most people at one month haven't begun moving forward in the process of the seven stagesnot grief.
Not that I'm proposing sitting and dwelling…. But for real, M, you get more than one month.
It took me 6 months and therapy bringer over just becoming disabled and losing the ability to decide for myself if I was able.physically to work or not anymore (vs having a traitorous body make that call for me….) I was numb, then sad, then angry and still 4 yrs later I find myself wandering through pockets of grief stilL on occasion. And I'm only grieving a job choice ability.
I can't imagine if I was grieving my Kidlet. Pretty sure I'd be railing at God from the nutty bin.
What you should be doing with the time on your hands:
WHATEVER THE HECK YOU WANT!
Seriously, do whatever brings you joy, gives you happiness, and helps to deal with your grief. Only you know what that is.
Praying for you Mary as you find your way. With God's help, you'll figure it all out. In the meantime, enjoy those small pockets. (((((((hugs)))))))
You don't have to anything at all but what you are doing in the moment. Grieve, love, live and do it all over again. One day a clear path will be made for you. It might not come with a big bang or a loud calling, but in the still of the night… a whisper on a breath of an idea that will take root, probably already has rooted, and is waiting for you to refill your incredible well with water to nourish it into being. Hugs!
No one should tell you how to feel or what you should be doing. Grief affects us all differently and you will work it in your own way. God is with you through every step as long as you are open to Him. May He continue to bless you all.
Mary, your post is so full of anguish I wish I could help you somehow. God is with you and your family and I know that he walks with you every day. Your relationship with Courtney was a very special one and it isn't reasonable to think that a mere month would even come close to easing your pain. In the olden days, they had a described period of mourning. It takes a long time to come to grips with such a loss and you can't shake it off like it was a bad meal or something. We love you and are here to walk with you as we can. A small thing I know, but take heart that you will heal.
Praying you through to the other side of the woods….