riding the wave…

ByMary Lenaburg
September 2014

It’s been some time since I just wrote and emptied my heart…without proper punctuation…or editing…or watching my language…so strap in friends here we go…last night I spent the evening with my Mom, my BFF Suzanne, from grade school/high school, her mother and many other women I grew up with…I returned home to Rockville, MD for the annual Sodality dinner at the Shrine of St. Jude where I went to grade school…spent my hugh school years and college, as well as baptized my Courtney…it was surreal being back in that sanctuary where it all began 23 years ago…where my daughter seized and we rushed her to the hospital after her baptism…It was harder than I expected it to be…that mix of joy and sorrow washing over me throughout the Mass…I walked the halls where I spent eight years walking the third tile over…I prayed at the tabernacle where I begged God for my Mother’s life in high school and my Father’s life later with my daughter’s life in between…the crucifix was the same…the statue of St. Jude…the same…my friends laughter the same…but it was so different…I was at war with myself holding fast to that inner control paddle willing myself not to go there…today I have attended the pinning of a beautiful young woman who is now a nurse…Miss Hannah earned her BSN this weekend and it was a joy to see her dreams come true…I have known her since childhood and have watched her bloom and grow…not unlike edelweiss…get it…anyhoo I watched as tears streamed down my face thinking of my sweet Courtney and wondering what she would have chosen to do if life had gone a different way…Miss Hannah has invoked my sweet saint many times in these last 4.5 months so to see her finally walk that stage and be pinned by her parents, just made me so happy…so happy I cried all the way home and battled a migraine of emotion for the next two hours ending in meds and a nap…thank goodness it worked, hence my ability to type these words…I am confused quite often these days by how my grief shows up…without asking me if I want to carry that heavy burden or not…it just barges it’s way into my heart and my head and takes over…I cling for dear life and wonder if I will see the light again…sometimes it slays me physically…like today…and sometimes I find myself just sitting and staring at the pictures on the wall, crying and calling out to God to just make it stop…the sheer veracity of these deeply held feelings overwhelm and incapacitate me…without warning…and it’s damn rude…I know my Courtney is free…I cling to that truth every moment of everyday…but damn it’s hard to live each day without her here to care for…to listen to that laugh…to hold her close and love her…to watch her brother and her Papa do the same…I want her back…like NOW…I want her back in my arms…in our home making our family complete…this empty arms, grieving heart id for the birds…I don’t like it…I don’t want it…make it go away…just bring her back…I want her back…but I know that will never be…and I hate it…and I am glad for it…for her to be happy and with her Beloved Lord…that makes me smile…it’s the physical tearing away from me that I cannot wrap my heart around tonight…It doesn’t make sense…this happiness and the heart wrenching grief existing inside the same heart…I have been given no choice but to try to keep moving forward without my sweet Courtney…Jerry told me this evening…in a way that only a husband of 27 years can say to his highly emotional wife… that my life with Courtney is over…but my life is not…so why does it feel like it is tonight…I don’t like it…at all…but tomorrow…a new day dawns…and who knows what will be…riding the wave of grief…I’d like to get off the boat now…seriously…I want off…

11 Comments

  1. I have no words, but my heart aches with yours. It is unendurable, yet we endure. We must. We will. You are in my prayers, you and Jerry and Jonathan.

  2. I'm so sorry, Mary. So very sorry. I wish that enough of our prayers would bring the boat into the harbor and bring you right back to Courtney. The truth is, the boat is sailing there, you're heading to her, it's just that damnable long journey to get to her. Prayers that the journey doesn't seem so long today. (((((HUGS))))) Love and lots of prayers.
    Sharon

  3. As I read these words, I was suddenly brought back seven years to those first months after losing my son. Though those moments are far fewer now, I am still sometimes suddenly and without warning thrust into that deep mourning and grief and wondering how to live without him. ((((Hugs)))) and many, many prayers for you!

  4. So many years of loving and caring for Courtney and now emptiness. It takes more than a few months to get past the immediate grief of losing her and moving forward. This time of active grieving is important for you and for your family. You have been so strong for so long that it will take time to be able to be REALLY weak and rest in Jesus' arms for peace. Take your time, feel your emotions, love Jerry and Jonathan and let them love you.

  5. Your words speak so well to your loss. Though we cannot feel the pain you are going through, know that many of us have walked and continue to walk this journey with you and you are in our prayers.

  7. Mary, I'm a new subscriber to your blog, and I was drawn to your story because we have a medically fragile daughter. Her condition is so rare that no stats exist for her prognosis or life expectancy. Though she is still with us, your grief resonates with me so deeply as only the aggrieved heart of a mother knows. Grief is so multifaceted. Be gentle on yourself as you experience the waves crash and recede. Prayers in solidarity for you.

  11. Many prayers for you this day. When the darkness sets in on my grief, sometimes the only thing that will help me is saying "Jesus, I trust in you!" on repeat, many many times. God Bless!

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