making my way through the fog…
This morning I had a complete emotional crisis as I was filled with doubt, guilt and variety of other junk the devil tried to pile on. It was rough and the tears were hot and ugly and my heart was so very heavy. As I held my sweet Courtney, I just poured my heart out to her letting her know how much I loved her and how hard this path has been for her Mama.
I feet like I am swimming through a fog of emotion and stress and mama guilt of “Am I doing enough? How can I make this easier for her? How much longer Lord? How much more suffering?” and any variation of the above.
I snuggled in with my girl and begged God for a little heart peace. I cried some more, I sung to her, I massaged her sweet little hands, I talked about how beautiful Heaven must be and all the beautiful souls waiting to greet her.
She smiled at me and my heart broke open again.
This girl and her sweet innocence. The power of her smile is overwhelming to me. I never want to forget that sweet awesome smile of hers. Never…
I had my phone next to my chair and I checked my instagram and an astounding gift was waiting for me. Jamaica’s family had made a short video singing “You are My Sunshine” to Courtney. Oh those sweet children and their joy to sing for my baby girl. I played it for her over and over again. Court smiled every time. The love that flowed from those glorious voices for my daughter was so inordinate and huge, I could not do anything but smile right back.
Thank you so much Jamaica and family for that gift. The timing was definitely God inspired. I am just so thankful for that moment. It lifted me up just when I needed it most.
After watching the video 20x’s or more, I picked up my rosary and prayed through smiles and more tears. They come so easily for me these days. I just feel like a cracked glass vase leaking slowly all over the table of life.
As I completed the final decade my phone rang and it was my friend Miss Maureen checking in on us. I have been blessed by her friendship for 14 plus years now and she is a powerful prayer warrior. It was as if the Blessed Mother needed me to know in that moment that another Mama who has seen her own struggles was praying for me, blessing me with her hard won peace of heart.
When I hung up the phone, more tears of joy streamed. I so needed that personal moment with her, to not feel alone in this moment. I finished my rosary and held my daughter for a little while longer.
Courtney fell asleep in my arms. Can I tell you how precious these moments are to me? This beautiful spirit and tenacious young woman has fought for her life from the very beginning. Now she lays her head on my chest and sleeps like she did when she was tiny.
It feels surreal this circle of life I am in the middle of right now. Totally surreal. I have always been and “all in” kind girl. I don’t do things in half measures. It’s just not how I am wired. I don’t know how to keep my emotions in check. I struggle to keep emotional distance from any situation, difficult or not.
I never know what will happen throughout the day. I am really struggling with sleep. The quiet is hard for me. I just run through every detail of the day to make sure I have done all I can do.
I know in my head God is in control. I do. I just wrestle with the laying it down part. It’s an ingrained part of my DNA to over think a situation and plan things out to the smallest detail. I have spent my life fighting against this particular personality quirk and I feel like I am losing that battle.
Letting go is hard. So.very.hard.
My challenge is to stay in this present moment and not worry about anything else. It feels like a monumental task sometime. Oh hell, ALL the time.
I need to stay present to my daughter, my husband and my son.
I must trust in the eternal plan God has for my family, especially for my Courtney. It’s exhausting and joy filled all in the same breath.
Prayers my friends that I can sleep. That I can fight the spiritual battles of doubt that swirl about my heart. Prayers for my Courtney to fall asleep in the peaceful arms of Our Lady and be carried to Our Lord without pain of fear for any of us, but especially her.
Thank you for loving us through this. Thank you for your prayers and your encouragement. Thank you for your videos and your moral boosting notes and packages. We, as a family, are humbled and truly blessed to be loved in such a manner. God is so very good even in the midst of our struggles.
We will make our way through this fog and the Son shall shine upon all of us in the end. At least that is my prayer and my hearts deepest desire.
God is in control and let me tell you that is very tough for this Type A, control freak of a Mama to bend my will to His and allow the Holy Spirit to work with my heart and fill it with peace and joy once more.
That’s where we are today my friends. May you find joy in your day. Thank you for providing mine.
Blessings,
“We humbly thank you for any help paying off Courtney’s extensive medical bills
and taking care of the cost of the remainder of her final arrangements**
Oh, sweet Mary. I wake up several times every night and whenever I do I pray for you and Courtney – I pray that you are both resting peacefully and I always ask Rebecca to pray as well. Each morning I say a novena prayer to St. Peregrine for healing and I always include Courtney. I still pray for a miracle for her. But I also always pray that if miracle healing is not God's will that he would provide Courtney with a peaceful death surrounded by your family. And that her death would bring you nothing but comfort, and peace, and joy. I also pray a novena prayer each morning to St. Joseph – for a job for Jerry but also a peaceful passing for Courtney. I will continue to pray for you all.
Praying !!!! So ,so hard to have "the long goodbye"… Jesus knows of your momma suffering and is probably giving you grace right now !! Be Not Afraid!!! It's written … Please think on this when the going gets tough…you are not alone!!
It's always amazing to see Gods grace at work, isn't it! We are never alone with the communion of saints to keep us company. I'm so honored that my kiddos could bring a smile to the face of a living saint!
The shortest sentence in the Bible- "Jesus wept". He shared all of our humanity, all of it. Everything is in His hands. Praying for peace and sleep for you all, xx
So much love. You are changing our lives by showing us what it is to love at all costs. And that your daughter's life is precious. What a gift your family is giving ours!!!!!
Oh, Mary…so many prayers for you. It is so amazing to see the painful yet beautiful journey to sainthood God has you and Courtney on. Thank you so much for letting us walk with you in whatever small way we can!
Mary, use this prayer when you are being attacked, "In the name of Jesus, I bind you spirit of _______ (fear, doubt, confusion, anything that is not of God…) and send you to the foot of the cross to be judged by our Lord. Amen."
Dearest Mary,
It so happens that part of the theme for our prayer meeting this week was discussing death with dignity. As a group we decided we would offer up at least once a day some of our suffering as a sacrifice for others who are dying, especially those who may not know God and are looking to assisted suicide because they cannot seem to face their pain or suffering, and/or who do not know God. And if we have no hardships to offer up, then we will sacrifice some small burden, be it folding laundry, doing dishes or some other undesirable task for the sake of the poor souls getting ready for heaven. Your burden is heavy right now, but perhaps you too can add purpose to your suffering by offering it up for these poor souls who don't know Him, just as Christ did when he suffered horribly his scourging, and crucifixion and offered it for our sake so we could receive the gift of heaven.
Still holding you up lovingly in prayer before God and the heavenly kingdom,
Christine.
Mary, I just started reading your blog a few weeks ago; spent several days getting up to speed. In that short time you have done an amazing job evangelizing me! You have brought me closet to Jesus and His Blessed Mother. I too have a hard time letting God have control of my life. I'm an organizer, planner, worrier, in need of control. You have helped me tremendously! We also have a 22 year old special needs young adult. He mostly has mental health problems with some physical issues. While he does not require round-the-clock care, he is not very independent; requiring us to drive him; attend and advocate at his doctor appointments, job counseling sessions, etc. His high anxiety doesn't allow him to be alone at night. You have helped me to see him as an individual, not his illness, and to love him unconditionally. I know God puts people into our lives for a reason, and you my dear woman, were meant to teach the world compassion, love, selflessness, unconditional love, and love of the Lord and His Mother. May God bestow his grace and peace on you in your time of great need.