flawed…

open eyes are not required to smile…

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers on yesterdays post. I wish I could respond to each of you personally but my online time is limited these days. I just wanted you to know that I read every email, every comment. Courtney and I are so blessed to be cared for and lifted up by so many. Truly we are.


Last night I hit my “wall” as it were. There was the 1 a.m. ugly cry with me, a box of kleenex and God. There was lamenting and wailing and hiccuping. When a mothers heart is breaking, nothing helps but the peace and consolation of Our Lord and a bucket of ice cream. At least not in my world. 


This morning I woke up understanding that this walk of ours will not be an easy one. Not for Courtney and not for me or Jerry or Jonathan. I know families have broken apart when one is lost and I understand that as we begin this path, communication between the three of us is so very important. No ones feelings are unimportant or to be put aside. Everything needs to be up front and dealt with as it comes. 


Jonathan and Jerry are NOT hospital people. They pace, they worry, they scrunch their faces and do not smile…for days and days. They are fixers these two men of mine. They can’t fix this and it’s taking it’s toll on both of them. 


Jonathan had a great line the other day. We were talking about death and dying, particularly Courtney’s death. He said “You know Mom, when Courtney dies and goes straight into Jesus’s arms she is going to be so happy. She is going to be whole and free from pain and fear. She is going to dance and run and be totally blissed out. But I have to tell you, death is damned inconvenient for the rest of us. This is going to suck being left behind.” 


He is blunt like his father. He gets right to the point, no matter how difficult the topic. 

One of Miss Courtney’s birthday gifts.

I laughed and I laughed hard. He laughed. I hugged him hard.


Yes, my son. Death is damned inconvenient and if/when this does happen, when our girl goes to God, it will suck noodles being left behind. It will hurt to let her go like nothing has ever hurt before. But it is not something we can escape. It is part of life, the hardest part for sure.


Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. I’m not y’all. I am tired and weary and ready for this to be done. I am not a saint. Don’t put me on that pedestal y’all. If you do I will just fall on my ass and disappoint you in time. I am a Mama who has loves and cares for her children as best I can, just like you. I am as strong as I need to be to survive any given moment/situation. That strength comes from one place. God and God alone. 


I make mistakes every single day. I eat to much sugar, I curse like a sailor, I yell when I am frustrated, I hate to sweat/exercise and household chores are my kryptonite. I avoid them at all costs. I cry at Hallmark commercials and love to hold new babies. I am a sister to seven and my laugh is in no way feminine. There are nights that I can’t sleep as my mind goes through every single possible scenario of Courtney’s final moments here with us.   


I am just me. Human and flawed. Very flawed. 


I am Jerry’s wife and Jonathan and Courtney’s Mama. I am the daughter of a King and I know that He loves me without fail. No matter my sin or failings. I cling to that grace daily.


So as we go down this road with our Courtney, know that your prayers mean everything. Know that I am not always happy or funny or sad. I can be all three of those things in an hour. 


I am me and you are you. I have my path you have yours. No better or worse, just different. So how about we pray for each other and do our best. When we fall, lets lift one another up in love not judgement. It’s what Jesus would want.