a radio show and a name carved in stone…

This morning’s radio interview was a huge success. I had about 259 cabillion hot flashes and my hands were shaking the whole time but I did it. Allison Gingras from A Seeking Heart was a dream to talk with. She made me feel so comfortable. Thanks Allison for helping me through it. Here is the link so you can listen to the podcast yourself. Let me know what you think. 

FYI – I am half IRISH (not Italian) and Half German…sheesh. My Daddy’s rolling over in his grave. Holy Moly…#EPICfail


Anyway, for those of you have listened, did you hear the wringing phone? LOL! I couldn’t figure out how to disconnect my phone from the computer. Jerry hooked it all together months ago and it is way above my computer literacy level. 


The reason I mention it is because while I was on the air talking about Courtney’s legacy of love, one of those phone calls was to tell me that this was happening…

Y’all…my girl knew that I needed to see her today. 


This is as close as I can be to her physical self this side of heaven. 


It’s beautiful isn’t it? 


There is something very surreal about seeing your child’s name carved in stone. I sat in front of her stone and let the tears fall freely. I talked to her and told her about my morning, how her legacy of love was so HUGE it could not be contained in her life here on earth. 


Gosh I miss her something fierce. 


I miss her smile, her laughter, her wicked shin kick, her Chewbacca yell, how she would smile every time she heard the bells at Consecration at Mass, her humming through the grocery store, the weight of her body in my arms, holding her beautiful long fingers that would curl around mine, how she would rub her nose on my shoulder when we snuggled, her stunning blue eyes, her little snores as she slept, her beautiful Shirley Temple curls and so, so many other things. 


There is no way to “get over” this whole losing your child thing. Nothing in my life will ever be the same. 


Not.one.thing. 


I love my daughter. Not loved, but LOVE in the present tense. It is an active thing and always will be. She now stands outside of time and will always be with me…always. 


She was there today as I stared at her beautiful name chosen with love by her Daddy and I almost 23 years ago. Courtney which means “strength of God” and Elizabeth which means “my God in Abundance”. It’s a shared name with her Great-Grandmother Green and myself. 


It’s a beautiful name. 


One filled with so much grace and beauty, just like my daughter. One I never get tired saying. One that makes me think of sunshine. She taught me how to love this princess jewel of mine. She and her big brother showed me what it means to put aside your own desires and only want what’s best for them. No matter what…I love them that much. 


It’s been a good day. A very good day. 


God has shown me and my family an ABUNDANCE of grace in the carving of a stone. It’s a sacred stone in a sacred place. A place where saints rest until God come back for the rest of us slackers. 


I love you Courtney Elizabeth Lenaburg, now and always my sweet girl. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. 


In God’s time and not before. 

Our new goal is $3,209.00 which will eliminate the balance on a credit card used for Courtney’s PT, OT and Feeding therapies and supplies used over the last five years. We have raised $720 of it so far. Only $2489.00 to go to pay this first one off. If we can raise the full amount, we can pay it off and be that much closer to our larger goal. One thing at a time. Thank you so much for your help. 


The entire medical debt is extensive, now approx. $67,3000. It’s a lot and will take years to whittle down. Anything helps. Anything. So, I will keep it at the bottom of my posts for awhile. You all have already given so much to our family. Our prayers are with you and we are so very grateful. We can never repay that kindness. So thank you…just thank you. If you would like our mailing address, please just email me at mary_romance@cox.net and I will send it.