time does not heal all wounds…
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| Courtney and me…September 2014 |
“Time heals all wounds.”
If I had a dime for every time someone has said that to me in the last eight and a half months, I would be debt free and living on a small island in Jamaica.
I have learned many things since my Courtney went home to Jesus and one of them is that times does not heal all wounds. I have spent the last two weeks going through every closet, every box, every cabinet, every drawer, every trunk and storage bin. I have read sympathy cards, scanned in old photos of my sweet daughter, sat with my husband and shared story after story of our girl, all while cleaning out, straightening up and purging big time.
There have been some very hard days, but I feel like I have lost ten pounds.
I haven’t but my heart feels lighter and my mind a bit clearer. As Jerry, Jonathan and I continue to navigate this new world without our Courtney, I am amazed at the power of grief. It can be a brutal beast some days and others it’s as if nothing has happened. It’s strange.
Some mornings I wake up and their is a spring in my step, and a determination to complete the “to do” list of the day. I feel creative, have energy and can see joy in all the amazing blessings that occur over the course of the day. Then there are days when it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can’t catch your breath.
Most days are somewhere in between.
As I was going through those photos of Courtney, I cried and laughed and cried some more. Golly I miss her. I miss her so very much. Time is not going to ease those feelings. I will always miss her, every single moment, of every single day for the remainder of my life here on earth.
It doesn’t overwhelm me anymore. It’s a dull ache in my heart that will forever be a part of me. I have accepted that. I have told God that however He wishes to mold Courtney’s legacy, I am all in. I have said “yes” to whatever he needs me to do.
This is not an easy “yes”. It scares the hell out of me. For twenty-two years I knew what to do. Everyday, I knew what my job is. Right now let me tell you the stretching and pulling and daily unease is insane. He is asking BIG things of me y’all. BIG things and I am terrified to fail and disappoint Him. There is still a big ‘ole tunnel right in front of me, that is pitch black and the only light is the one Christ is shining at my feet encouraging a deeper relationship with Hi, a deeper intimacy, a deeper trust in this new journey without my girl.
I have no idea where that tunnel will end up and for the planner in me, it’s creating a wee bit of anxiety,but, I here my girls voice every once in awhile saying, “You can do it Mama. I got you. Let me be your sunshine. Just keep going.” So I do. I put one foot in front of the other, walking in confidence that He has never abandoned me or left my side.
I am clinging to His promises that He will never abandon me. Clinging my friends.
As I walk through these next few months and we make our way through the one year anniversary of Courtney’s death, I know that the elephant will come and go and I will struggle to find my breath and fight for that joy that is at times elusive. There will be tears and laughter, heartache and peace and there will be love, so much love for the gift of my Courtney Elizabeth.
I think this is the biggest challenge of losing a loved one. Mental and emotional land mines aside, the decision to smile again, to seek joy and laughter everyday, to remain present to the loved ones who are left behind with you…this will be part of my life’s work.
It is a choice every.single.day. to remain here and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Two weeks from today, on September 25, I will turn 48. I feel every single one of those years. I want to stand on a mountain top and start singing Destiny’s Child “I’m a Survivor” at the top of my lungs. I have lived through a mothers worst nightmare and am still standing on two feet. This is not hubris. This is grace my friends and grace alone. I am simply amazed that I have not collapsed under the strain of it all.
I am standing on two feet because of your daily prayers and God’s faithfulness to never abandon me. I am standing on two feet because my Daddy taught me to never quit and never give up. I am standing on two feet because I had the honor and privilege to marry the most kind and loving man and with him care for two incredible souls.
To be Jonathan and Courtney’s mother has been the most challenging, most difficult, most joy-filled and wonderful job a girl could ever wish for. I would not change one moment…not one…even Courtney’s birth into eternal life.
For God is good, ALL the time.
I tell people frequently that grief is not linear — it bounces all over the place. Every time I've said that since December, I've thought of you. Thank you for modelling God's power and grace in your daily life and in this blog. You bless me and so many other people daily.
Hugs and love Jen. Keep fighting the good fight my friend. God is good ALL the time.
Love and hugs to you sweet Mary! Praying that God continues to give you exactly what you need exactly when you need it.
Blessings Beth and thank you for all your prayers and support. <3
I feel like God is using you to help me right now. I was very close to my grandmothers and in the last year one of them died somewhat suddenly and the other has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. Heart=breaking. I live in New Zealand with my Kiwi husband and our three littles, Naturally this means not as much time with people I love as I would like to have. An auntie I loved very dearly also passed away this past March, 6 months after her mother. It has been….difficult. And it's still painful.
I've lived 29 years with these women in my life and they've all been actively involved in it. The grief has been an interesting process.
I am so sorry for your losses Rachel. Grief is a unique experience and different experience for all of us. I pray that whatever words you read here will be a balm to your hurting heart. These beautiful women will always be with you, The lessons they have passed on will remain in your heart forever. It's the physical separation that is so difficult to navigate. Blessings friend. <3
Thank you, Mary 🙂 your blog reminds me that I'm not alone and it helps to know that other people out there are grieving losses as well. It can be difficult sometimes because obviously my husband and his family have no real connection to these people (I'm Canadian so he's really only met them a few times) so the grief has really been mine to navigate alone. Some days I tear up thinking about it all and some days I'm easily comforted by the memories. It just helps so much to not feel alone :).
You are so right that time does not heal… it makes pain duller over time, but it can still come back sharply at any time, any day. A friend who lost her 25 year old child put it so well when she commented to me that nobody understood how after a decade had passed that "such raw grief could exist in her heart." We just kind of learn to live with it. I am dealing with my own grief over a miscarriage last December and the sudden unexplained infertility that has followed. Reading the words of people like you who have experienced loss has been helpful to me. It is hard when people expect that after a certain amount of time, you will "get over it." I have asked for your Saint Courtney's intercession for myself!
Amen, Mary! Grief is like a thief, but you aren't letting it steal your purpose in the midst of the mess. I hope you will find that our purposes overlap, because God has asked big things of me, too. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us!