the struggle is real…
why does the mailman hate me so much…all he delivers are envelopes with windows…I fell like everyone wants a piece of me…paying bill is like squeezing blood from a turnip…I can’t be the only one who feels this way…I am really struggling right now to stay sane and keep moving forward…to not give into despair and sadness…just when I feel like we have this whole debt thing under control…the budget is working…we are seeing progress…Jerry might be able to retire before he’s eighty…we get another envelope…I just want to scream…the last two years of Courtney’s life were the most expensive…it’s craziness…the credit cards that sustained us are maxed…they paid for the special food…the co-pays for therapies…so many therapies…the special ointments and lotions since she would breakout with anything over the counter…trying to keep the bedsores at bay…the special clothing so she would be comfy…the experimental this or that to help keep her alive…tens of thousands of dollars…to help make her life easier…to help make the most of what her life could be…why does it always come down to the dollars and cents…it’s all too much sometimes…the call from the church cemeterian to let me know there is still space right next to Courtney in the cemetary…we can have a spot for Jerry and I…for $3250…I say thank you but we can’t afford it…oh how I wish we could…she was so kind…but I hang up…I weep…something else we can’t do…I want to be next to Courtney right now…I want the floor to swallow me up and just be with her…it’s so hard sometimes to have that hope necessary to live each day with joy…it’s just so damn hard…living hand to mouth…how did this happen…how did we allow this to happen…my guy works his ass off…I am working part-time…spending the rest of my time trying to dig out of the two years of not doing ANYTHING in our home…there is so much clutter and I am making my way through it slowly…just like our debt…slow…so very slow…it’s a struggle to find the positive when everywhere I turn…someone is holding out their hand…I hate it…I feel like such a disappointment…such a failure…I don’t shop…we don’t eat out, especially now that there are no gift cards from Christmas left…I make my own everything from bread to jam…I’m just so very tired…tired of grieving my daughter…tired of not getting ahead…like ever…tired of watching my son grieve his only sibling…it’s breaking my heart slowly…I’m tired of being the strong one…I am not strong…I am human…a broken human filled with sin and I feel like I am drowning…I want my daughter back…now damnit…now…the struggle…damn struggle…Oh Courtney…your Mom and Daddy need your help baby girl…we need your light and love so much…golly we miss you…your smile…your laughter…you…just you…I know this will pass Courtney…I know it will…but darn it it so hard some days…so very hard…we will not let you down my girl…Mama, Joanthan and Daddy will make it through this nightmare…we will…one struggle at a time…God be with us…one struggle at a time…
Dear Mary, I'm so sorry that you feel this way right now!! I can only imagine your struggles, but you (and your family) are amazing and I know that Courtney will help you.
God Bless!
P.s. Why don't you do another Amazon wishlist?
Mary, praying for you.
(((hugs))) I'm sorry. Money just…sucks. It really does. I'm sorry. 🙁
You are not a failure. And we love you so much! Courtney is going to look after you all who gave so much looking after her. God will help you find the way (just wish it were tomorrow, right? I know I did when it was our turn with the bills and the debt). I second the Amazon wish list motion!
Sleep in peace tonight dear Mary! The Lord will provide, somehow. Trust in that.
It seems to me Divine Providence has been instrumental in your lives many times over and God will be with you three every step of the way. My grandpa told my uncle when his wife died, and he had 8 young children to raise on his own… that God had a plan for him and each of those children that could not come to be with their mother here on earth. God has wonderful plans for you, Jerry and J man with Courtney interceding for you in heaven. Eye has not seen, ear has not heard what God has ready for those who love him! You will be graced with strength and peace….you are always in my prayers.
Hugs hugs hugs. And chocolate. These moments suck. But thank God, they pass. It won't feel this bad forever. You and your boys will carry each other through this. Sending you prayers and love.
Praying for you Mary…
I'll be lifting you up on my walk this morning, but know this; you are NOT a failure. Not even close. Money is the devil and can suck the life and joy right on out……a necessary evil, yes…..but don't buy into the lie. You are amazing and your family is amazing and it is pissing off Satan so he's throwing extra digs. Jesus and Mary have your back, sister…..and you are covered by a legion of prayer warriors.
Praying Mary… We raised six girls in very hard financial times many slow downs and lay offs and I promise God will come through for you. He never let us down. Trust and wait.. I pray you have the grace that you need to wait on the Lord to handle this. Praying….
Mary, my heart is with yours. While I haven't experienced everything in your life exactly as you have, our journey has been so so so similar. I wrote a blog post nearly like yours today, in which I expressed the insurmountable grief and overwhelming burden that comes with getting the mail – and bill after bill – every day. http://lovealonecreates.com/a-spoiled-ending/ I just want you to know that you are not alone. HUGS!
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
of the Creator of creation.
I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with His baptism,
Through the strength of His crucifixion with His burial,
Through the strength of His resurrection with His ascension,
Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.
I arise today
Through the strength of the love of cherubim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the service of archangels,
In the hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In the prayers of patriarchs,
In the predictions of prophets,
In the preaching of apostles,
In the faith of confessors,
In the innocence of holy virgins,
In the deeds of righteous men.
I arise today, through
The strength of heaven,
The light of the sun,
The radiance of the moon,
The splendor of fire,
The speed of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of the sea,
The stability of the earth,
The firmness of rock.
I arise today, through
God's strength to pilot me,
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptation of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
afar and near.
I summon today
All these powers between me and those evils,
Against every cruel and merciless power
that may oppose my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom,
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul;
Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,
So that there may come to me an abundance of reward.
Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
of the Creator of creation.
http://www.ourcatholicprayers.com/st-patricks-breastplate.html
Praying for you!