progress in grieving…

I have been thinking of my Courtney all day long. There have been no tears. No dread. Just joy in seeing her smiling face as she looks at me through a computer screen. 


Progress in grieving. I miss her. Deeply. Everyday. I miss her smile, her laughter, her humming, her flinging off her shoes, her snuggles and the weight of her next to me in the rocking chair. 


I sit in these moments and instead of crying, I smile and I talk to her. 


What a gift you were Courtney, everyday, here with us, doing the best we could for you and you just loving. Always loving. We tried to make your life and your brothers a happy one. We didn’t always succeed as a matter of fact, we often failed. But we tried, really, really hard. Forgive us for when we failed baby girl. 


You continue to be a blessing to us, even though you are beyond the veil. Oh my sweet girl, you are changing the world one prayer petition at a time. You are one powerful intercessor, oh daughter of mine. 


I am so honored that God gave you to me. So damn honored and to be honest, humbled that God thought your Daddy and I could do this. I know I only got to hold you and love you for twenty-two years this side of heaven, but I want you to know, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not one thing. You know why? Because God gave us so much grace in loving and caring for you and your brother. So many miracles happened during your lifetime here on earth and continue to happen through your intersession. 


I miss you baby girl. I miss you so much but a funny thing started to happen in the last few days. Instead of tears, I felt joy when I thought of you. I smiled and laughed when recounting stories. Gratitude. Just so much gratitude for having that time with you. SO much joy in sharing your story, my story, our families story. 


God is so good my girl. 


But then, you already know that. You stand at in constant praise of worship at His throne. I love you Courtney Elizabeth. I love you more everyday and I didn’t know that was possible. My heart continues to make room for more. More of you, more people to love, more room for God. Thank you for making that possible. Thank you for saying yes and doing what God asked you do to with your life. Thank you for loving us and letting us love you. 


Keep doing your thing baby girl. Daddy, Jonathan and I will be OK. With you, Jesus and His Blessed Mother watching out for us, how could we not be. 


Progress. Slow and steady. One day at a time. Hearts will heal and God’s mercy will continue to reign.