ma significant otter goes shopping…

Greetings Blog Fans and Significant Otters,

Yes, it is me again…the liturgy minion and significant otter to my lamby-pie, with some new advice for all those otters out there…married and in a relationship.

Today, I wanted to pass on 30 years of sage wisdom about that most dreaded of male activities…No, not taking out the trash, assassinating large hairy spiders, or even investigating that strange smell in your infants or toddlers pants because “it’s your turn and I’m busy.”

No I speak of that dreaded activity…clothes shopping…NO not for your sweetie pie…I know what my role is in that activity…carry the bags, nod approvingly when she brings things for you to “approve of”, which is just really girl speak for…”you really have no taste, so I know the one you really like is not the one I’m actually going to get.”
 
If you recall this picture from my Instaminion feed, you will recall that I am an EXPERT at being a clothes rack when shopping with my sweetie. However, this becomes an entirely different story when shopping for clothes for me. 

 Good otter friends, it should be easy to explain to our beloved companions that men shop for only three reasons: 1) So they are not cold and naked 2) they are hungry 3) there is a power tool sale at Home Depot OR in some cases, like mine, there are new books to be perused at the local Barnes and Noble. That’s about it…men do not shop to “socialize”…that’s what big screens and football is for. We don’t go shopping to have lunch with our friends…that’s what sports bars are for.

In fact, this one diagram, which you have probably seen before, pretty much sums up how I and most of the heterosexual males of the species shop.

But of course, this never works with my sweetie…clothes shopping must be done, therefore it becomes a reason to browse the entire length of Tysons Corner Mall, our local mall that is only slightly smaller than the USS Enterprise, the aircraft carrier I spent 30 long months on. The shopping experience seems almost that long.

SO, ladies, just some advice when shopping with your man:
Ensure any shopping expedition includes coffee and food. My lamby-pie always bribes me with a Vente Red-Eye bold and McDonald’s biscuits and by the time I have emerged from my dual carb-caffeine high, we are pulling into our mall parking space and I am trapped. Yea, I’m kinda dumb like that, I will go on almost any errand for a Bacon/Egg/Cheese biscuit

Things you will NEVER hear men say when clothes shopping, and if you do, you should be worried:

“Do these jeans make my butt look big?” 

“These shoes make my legs look fabulous, I’m getting them in every color”

“Honey, should I get this shirt with the horizontal or vertical stripes? Will the horizontal stripes make me look puffy?”

Remember that men are basically color challenged. See Chart below:

Therefore, when we say we need a green shirt, we mean green…not flora, honeydew, or lime. AND never, ever, try and get us to wear pink shorts. That is just….not….right….our friends will mercilessly mock us…unless it’s Wednesday, because:

 
Yea, I went there..

Finally, remember that men don’t have a lot of angst about a buying decision. We only shop for clothes when our baby says “NO, you may not wear camouflage on our date night.” Or “You’re not actually going to wear that tie with that shirt, are you?”

 
So our decision making process is very direct.

Finally ladies, be aware that men shopping is like that gallon of milk in your fridge…it has an expiration date..in my case usually about 3 hours before I get hangry, grumpy, and ready to just wear the damn pink shorts if I can go to Five Guys.

Which, of course, was probably my lamby-pie’s plan all along.

But, hey, I look pretty darn good in pink….on Wednesdays.

the Otter