Into the Desert with Intention
“Lent is a time of going very deeply into ourselves…What is it that stands between us and God? Between us and our brothers and sisters? Between us and life, the life of the Spirit? Whatever it is, let us relentlessly tear it out, without a moment’s hesitation.”
Catherine Doherty excerpt from “Season of Mercy”
Well here we are. My 55th Ash Wednesday. I have fasted from food, social media and television and not lost my mind. I have given alms, attended Mass and received my ashes. I have prayed and done a LOT of spiritual reading. The family altar is adorned appropriately and day one is now complete.
Are we done yet?
I know. I know. Not even close. I have 39 days left. Sweet Molly McGee what have I gotten myself into??
I do not have a great track record with Lent. What I mean is, I detest Lent because I always fail. I struggle being consistent and by the end of week two, I’m ready to ditch my Lenten sacrifices and making time for quiet and prayer feels like punishment. By week four, I’m out. I have NEVER once made it all the way through Lent keeping the promises I made to myself and to Jesus.
Wow. That hurts to type. It’s mortifying to admit, but I’m done hiding. Gah! The guilt! The embarrassment! The guilt! Yes. I have years of guilt to let go of.
This past year has been filled with high highs and very low lows. The last six months of 2022 kicked my bum and 2023 started out with quite the avalanche of disasters and hard life moments. I knew in January I had to do something different this year for Lent. I had to decide and truly commit to seeing it ALL the way through to the end of the 40 days. I felt a determination I have never felt before. I knew I had to make a change, a BIG change, and it was not going to be easy.
Nothing with any value or worth in life is ever easy to attain. It requires sacrifice, self-discipline, and consistency, three things I am sorely lacking.
Once I settled this matter in my heart, I began to pray in earnest about what God wanted me to fast from and in the last three weeks the answer came in like a wrecking ball, clear as can be.
I was too fast from social media AND television.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME JESUS???
I’m on social media every day. I sell my books there, run my Beautycounter business and advertise my speaking. Social media is fun for me but it’s also business for me. Panic settled in quickly. I was having a full-blown breakdown. My ADHD brain was melting.
The Holy Spirit was not messing around. No screens except for writing and BC emails/work. While praying after communion last Sunday, He doubled down and pointed out, very gently but clearly, that these things had become idols, distractions if you will, from my vocation, my mission and most importantly, my relationship with Him.
Ouch. That smarted just a bit.
Today as I went through the motions of living liturgically, I was startled by the silence. My border collie Maggie is cute y’all but she’s quiet. Jerry was at work, so it was just me and the dog in the SILENCE that felt like it was screaming at me.
During Mass I felt God press upon my heart “I’m so happy to walk this Lent with you Mary. It’s you and me my daughter. Trust me with all of it.”
In that moment I stopped fighting and threw in the towel. I made a pact with myself and God to see this through. I will be completely honest. I’m not looking forward to it. Not at all. But I know it’s what I am being called to for a purpose and a reason I cannot yet see and fear is not from God.
One foot in front of the other. Here we go.