everything changes in a moment…
Today started out well enough but this afternoon Miss Courtney really struggled. In the course of an hour she faced an up-hill battle with some seriously strong grand-mal seizures. One moment we were snuggled in for story time and in the next, she is fighting to breathe.
These last two weeks have been fairly peaceful ones for our Courtney. A seizure comes daily and she fights it, sleeps for a bit, wakes up and all is well. Until the next one the next day.
Her weight has remained steady at 72.4 pounds. Not that that is remotely healthy but at least she has maintained it. She is not in pain and for the most part she smiles and is very happy and content. It has been a HUGE blessing and I don’t take one moment of it for granted.
Today was very different. She was fussy this morning and not very smiley at all. She wanted to be held most of the day which is pretty unusual for her. She likes to be moved into different positions. Then the seizures came and all bets were off.
These were hard. She turned purple and began to turn blue before she finally got a small breath. Her body was pulsating and stiff all at once. Her face contorted and when she finally did get her breath she was choking, coughing and spitting up phlegm. It was a very hard 60-90 minutes. At one point Jerry looked at me and no words were needed.
We thought this might be it. It was very intense for both if us, but especially Courtney. How strong my girl is. Her will to remain here is an amazing gift. Truly it is.
As I held her afterwards, I continued to pray to God to take her home and stop her suffering. I know that He will when He chooses but when watching your child gasping for breath and crying out in fear, all you want is for it to stop. You want them to be at peace with no fear or pain.
Another thing I realized tonight was that no matter when or how God choses to bring my girl home to Him, I will never truly be ready to let her go. I keep telling myself I am and then as I come close, I realize that indeed I will never truly be ready to lose my daughter. It’s unnatural and against every mothers instinct to let go easily. I just pray for the grace to survive it all.
About two hours after her seizures, our sweet girl gave us a smile again letting us know she was OK…for now(pictured above). One day at a time my friends. One day at a time.
Continuing to pray for you all, Mary!! Thanks for keeping us updated!!
Blessings Michele!
Sending a Hail Mary your way.
Dear Mary, death is always too soon. I suppose that is because God never originally intended for us to be separated from each other. But redemption means we can be reunited and the separation is temporary. It has helped me so much to see Courtney racing towards heaven and has encouraged me to keep up the spiritual battle when at the moment due to my situation I really want to give up. She is spurring us all on.
I am very sorry about the seizures though, it is awful that they are so strong and so distressing for all of you. May I gently ask a question, really for my learning and understanding- is it medically possible and ethically permissible for Courtney to have some level of sedation at this time? I recall you spoke extensively with a priest to be sure of the Catholic teaching in this situation. Please only reply if you feel called to and have the time. Meanwhile I am so glad to hear of your trips out for coffee and the Christmas fair- so good to hear you are taking care of yourself and an example to all of us, I know I neglect this self care and it is vital. Blessings xx
We have chosen not to sedate at this time since it doesn't stop the seizures from coming, it just robs us from spending what little awake time Miss Courtney has with us. So for now we give her her regular meds and pray through the rest. In time that may change but as long as there is a chance for a smile, we will keep going with this plan.
Sweet Courtney. What a rough afternoon. Continued prayers for her comfort and your peace. We love you all!
Blessings and Thanks Sharonbelle!!
No Mary, you will never be ready to say goodbye. Praying that God grant you all grace, strength, comfort, and peace. (((hugs)))
Continuing to pray for your whole family. Peace.
This brought tears to my eyes. I know no oe truly knows the struggles you face, but there are lots of us out here praying for you. Lots of love to you and Miss Courtney.
We think about you every day and the kids like to remember Courtney during their morning prayer time before school. We'll be keeping it up. <3
I recently found your blog a couple of weeks ago through a link from catholic All Year. I read your story in two days and have subscribed to your blog. Thank you for showing the world how to have faith in Our Lord and strength amidst the trials he sends us. I will pray for Courtney and your whole family today.
Thinking of your and Courtney. Praying for you to be strong and for her to have as little pain as possible.
Prayers and more prayers for all of you.
I don't know you, we've never met, I only know about you because a friend told us about you. After your daughter passes, I'll never know what was lost because I never knew her at all. But three times a day we pray for your daughter at our meals and before bed my son Jack rays for her privately. Many times my children have prayed for her before our icon of Christ of All Humility and we have lit incense in offering for her. May you feel buoyed by the prayers of strangers a world apart and my you feel the consolation of the Mother of God who knows what you endure.
we are praying for you!
We are continuing to pray for all of you, Mary.
Thinking of you and sending extra prayers up especially after this hard day for you all.
Your story gives me courage to continue my daily struggle. Pearhaps this mixture of laughter and tears your blog brings to me is the rite antidote for the autumn depression hitting me hard this year. I'll go on praying for you and try to offer up my minor suferings for you. I hope you'll pray for me as well, as your prayers has helped me before.