31 days to whole ~ authentic living…even when it’s not perfect…

ByMary Lenaburg
https://www.marylenaburg.com/2015/09/authentic-livingeven-when-its-no.html/

Day Four ~ what i wore ~ making peace with your body shape
Day Five ~ Cousin Katie’s Turkey and Sweet Potato Chili
Day Six and Seven ~ A Vlog
Day Eight ~ What Does “Whole” Mean?
Day Nine ~ When Mary Crashes Hard
Day Ten and Eleven ~ What I Wore ~ There is Only One YOU!
Day 12 ~ Looking Back and Understanding
Day 13 ~ Tears and Heartbreak
Day 14 ~ No Sabotage
Days 15, 16 and 17 ~ The Tug of Time
Days 18, 19 and 20 ~ Anxiety 101
Days 21, 22 and 23 ~ When You keep making the same mistake
Days 24 and 25 ~ Stuff Still Happens
What I Wore ~ Be Brave and Tuck it in
Day 26 ~ Preparation is Half the Battle
Days 27 and 28 ~ ten months, eigtht years and a new challenge
What I Wore ~ Pattern Mixing
Days 29, 30 and 31 ~ forward!

Tomorrow is the Feast of St. Therese, my mothers favorite saint and also her namesake. It’s a special day with Mass and roses for the best Mama I know. 


Marianne Therese Stuecken Green, you are a godsend to me and have taught me so much. You taught me how to love and sacrifice. You taught me how to work hard and pray harder, You taught me that when we put God first, amazing things happen. The greatest gift you ever gave me was my Catholic faith. For that I can never say enough “thank you’s”. I love you Mommy and I look forward to Mass with you tomorrow morning. BEST part of my day for sure.   


You also taught me that when changes need to be made, the only way to do is to dive in and work your ass off. Tomorrow is also the first day of a new journey, lasting exactly 31 days. I have chosen to call it “31 Days to Whole”. 


Two years ago I dabbled with writing 31 days straight here in this space, about gratitude. It was a time of transition for us with Courtney. She was home full-time and fairly healthy. She still had seizures every day but she was also doing PT with Miss Pam and laughing and was really present to us at that time. I chose to write about gratitude because I needed to keep focused on all the awesome things there were about being a Mama and a caregiver. 


When I focused on gratitude, the harder stuff seemed easier to deal with. This year it’s not about Courtney or our relationship. She is in heaven with God and no longer needs my care. This year it’s about her grieving Mama and dealing with some of my deeper issues with food, emotions and faith and their deep connection to one another. 


Tomorrow I start my physicians/health coach’s version of the Whole 30 program. As we chatted about some of my current health issues, he said after everything I have faced in the last year, it was time to start caring for myself with the same passion I cared for Courtney. After all, I too was a child of God and worth fighting for. 


I was floored. He knows of my deep faith and knows how important it is to me. This was the first time I heard him speak in such a way though. I have a feeling that Courtney and the Holy Spirit had something to do with it. 


Just a little bit. 


I had never thought of of my health in those terms before. I have a very emotional connection to food. For me it means love, joy, celebration, sadness and grief. It is the center of my day. “What’s for dinner?” is the first thing my husband asks every.single.morning for twenty-seven years.  


Seriously, it’s kind of a big deal around these parts. I love to cook. I love to bake. I love to eat. I do these things with great passion, wether I am happy or sad. 


This is slowly killing me. 


Truth. 


I am a pre-Type 2 Diabetic who is morbidly obese (according to current BMI standards). I have had joint issues in my knees for years as well as the beginning of neuropathy pain and numbness in my feet this past year. Thankfully my heart is in good shape but my cholesterol levels are not doing me any favors, neither are my triglycerides. 


Are you scared for me yet? 


Hell, I am scared for me. 


I sat down a few weeks ago and just let it all sink in. If I don’t make serious changes in my life now, I will be a burden to my family that I never wish to be. 


I share this with you because grief, weight loss, emotional overeating and my prayer life are all intertwined for me. I have been in this cesspool a really long time and to climb out of it is going to be really, really tough. 


This is not about food. It’s about my relationship with food and with accepting who I am and how God sees me. 


It’s about a healthy love of self. 


I chose to share this here in this space because:


#1. I need you to pray your butts off I can do this. Like seriously pray. 


#2. I have been open and honest about all the good and the bad for the last eight years here and I cannot imagine going through this without you guys cheering me on. 


#3. I’m scared. I have spent half of my adult life looking after and caring for my husband and children and ignoring many of my own issues. To stare them in the face today scares the crap out of me. 


#4. I can’t afford therapy, so you’re it. Let’s do this.


#5. Things must change for my health and my sanity. I’m tired of being tired, sad, unfocused and unmotivated. I’m tired of not being me. 


I write this with a lovely cafe latte by my side. It will be my last one for 31 Days and maybe even more beyond that depending on how this goes. The original Whole 30 Program is basically no dairy, no sugar, no grains and no legumes. Mine will contain more than a few adjustments to that. I will not be going cold turkey on anything, just taking a significant step back from these foods. 


Sounds like quite the party, no? 


The whole point of this adventure is to learn and understand what my body needs and what makes me ill. To acknowledge why I eat when I do and what I need to do to change my relationship with food. To reward myself when I meet goals with more positive things besides food. 


It’s the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It’s time to put my health and well-being first on that life list. 


SO here we go my friends…31 Days to Whole.


You with me? 


Pretty Please? 


61 Comments

  1. I did the 10 Day Detox and those first few days are brutal. But, seriously … the cookbook has some amazing recipes for dinners, and I do highly recommend that. I'll be saying prayers for you this month. I need to really get back on the wagon myself. I've been binging on Sour Cream & Onion chips way too often recently.

  2. Mary, I am totally in this with you. 🙂 I can't be as entirely Whole 30 as you are, because this month is a monster travel month, but my doctor has said many of the same things to me, and I don't have the support IRL that I need to make such massive changes. So I will support you, and you can support me! We can support each other! Because we ARE children of God and we ARE worth it and Let's Punch Satan In The Face! 😛

  3. Oh Mary…I am so with you on this, in the same boat, and I'm a good bit younger than you- it really scares me. I've been so focused on Js and Es health these last two years while mine has been steadily deteriorating. I have lots of the exact same health issues, no neuropathy though…I really, really understand. And I will be joining you.

    1. Yay Joy! I totally understand my friend. I truly do. We can do this together. All the hard things my friend are conquered with good friends praying you through. I know it. 🙂

  4. Good for you, Mary! I am cheering you on and you're inspiring me already to take better care of myself (says the girl who had coffee and a mini-Twix bar for breakfast this morning). Wishing you a grace-filled 31 days!

  6. With you, Mary! You got this! Keep writing, keep us in the loop, stay strong! Will accompany you with prayers! <3 <3 <3 and lots of virtual (((hugs))) that really seriously need to become in-person hugs.

    2. I just checked out the Whole 30 site and "AAAAACK!" is all I can say! But I'm in. I won't be militant though, sticking to the broad guidelines will be tough enough, thank you. Especially as we Canadians have Thanksgiving this month. Sob. But my 7 year old pledged to give up sugar with me. If she can be sugar free for 31 days we're going to a movie and getting a large popcorn. We never buy popcorn at the movies. So I'll have her encouragement at home too. We can do this Mary! You'll have your Courtney cheering you on from above, and I'll have my daughter here barring the fridge. 🙂

    3. Preach it sister. I have made some adjustments with my plan so it's not as strict. But the sugar thing is a non- negotiable. At least for the first 31 days.

  10. you'll do great! i did this before I got married and felt SO so good! Contemplating doing another one…I think you'll do really well b/c you'll get into the food prep part of it! Just make sure you eat A LOT! Don't let yourself get hungry! And take it one day at a time- you can do anything for 31 days! Look at your life thus far! You're capable of BIG things! You've got this!
    p.s. You probably know this, but Danielle Walker's Against All Grain blog (and books) is really incredible! She has wonderful recipes!

    2. I want to second (and third!) that recommendation for Against All Grain. I have been cooking just about all my dinners out of that cookbook for the last few months. Every. single. meal. has been fabulous. I have a lot of paleo cookbooks, but none of them seem to know their way around a spice cabinet like she does. I just found out she also has a couple of ebooks for Thanksgiving and Christmas meals too. I'll stop raving about it now. No – I won't. One more thing. If you have a pressure cooker, check out her youtube channel for how to make bone broth. I think she also added a video for how to make her crepes/wraps – I haven't been brave enough to try that without video instruction. 🙂

  11. I am really proud of you!!! seriously, Mary, you're like my inspiration and my role model on earth (next to my mom). I started reading your blog – like SERIOUSLY reading your blog – about a month or two ago and it was in reading your family's story that I pulled my head out of the sand and did something about my own shit. I, too, suffer emotional eating. I've had 4 gorgeous souls in 4 years (3 here, 1 in Heaven) and I gained a lot of weight with 3 souls I live and love with. It's taken me pretty much the last two years since our daughter's birth to REALLY buckle down and lose not just the weight from her pregnancy, but some remaining pounds from our sons' pregnancies, too.

    Your story completely inspired me. It keeps me going and reminds me that I. Can. Do. This. I'm getting a lot healthier and I've probably lost about half the weight I needed to lose. It was never a really really big amount, but it was enough to make me unhappy and occasionally the worry in my husband's eyes that he tried to hide.

    Anyway, this is happening. For you and I.

  12. You can totally do this Mary. You can do hard things. And you've already done MUCH HARDER THINGS than this! Here's my contribution (besides prayers) – a list of ideas for rewards that are not food-based nor lot-of-money-based. Because sometimes rewards help us make it through the hard times. I say, give yourself lots of rewards so that you get to the BIG reward – better health. Okay here goes (and I'm sorry if some of these are unappealing to you, I'm just brainstorming here…)

    1 – new nail polish and DIY pedicure
    2- 1 hour in the bubble bath with a book
    3 – 2 hours of uninterrupted sewing time
    4 – tea date with a friend (can you have tea?!)
    5 – netflix/amazon prime/tv date with your significant otter 🙂
    6 – afternoon at the library (free reading time!)
    7 – window shopping with your mama
    8 – 20 bucks to spend at the thrift store on whatever you want
    9 – special activity with Jonathan
    10 – movie at the dollar theater with friends

    I hope this helps and that you think of many other rewards for yourself. GOOD LUCK! YOU CAN DO IT!

  15. I'm frankly scared shirtless to join you tomorrow! My normally primal diet has deteriorated into so much crap. Seriously, pop tarts for daayyys! Thanks for reminding me to get my butt to Mass tomorrow to celebrate my feast day—since there won't be cake. But it will be in the house. 🙁 my pantry is NOT CLEAN! I'll be praying for you and everyone else tomorrow and beyond!

  16. Oh you got this sister!!!! If you want to be reminded of really really hard hard things YOU have accomplished …scroll your blog!!!!! YOU have survived when you didn't think you could. This is food. YOUR choice…choose YOU Mary over each temptation. For years you had NO control over what happened to Courtney because God had it. On what goes in our mouths, this I realized, is one area that I have complete control. Sucks because boy it would be nice to say "what could I do". You know I'm with you and so are others!!!! Together you've got this, we've got this, and in the end you will feel better, you will sleep like you haven't slept in months, your aches will subside, it will be a truly good thing for your whole family!!! I have to say I wish I was starting tomorrow…but I'll be there with ya next week. You'll be laughing at the rest if us as you finish that first week detox and we enter it muwahahaha.

  17. I can't do Whole 30 because of an egg allergy, and health issues that preclude me eating a lot of red meat. But I will join you in a no-sugar, no dairy month. I was recently diagnosed with adenomyosis, and dairy can exacerbate the symptoms, as well as sugar, so off I go!

  18. Woohoo! Mary, you have got my prayers with ya! This sounds super hard, and sounds a lot like Lent, but I'm sure that God will use this month to really do so much good work in you! Also, can I just tell you how much I appreciate that you're caring for yourself? I dont' want to be weird about this or anything, but I know plenty of women that spend years and years slaving for their husbands and kids, never (literally NEVER) taking a moment to look at their own needs, and it usually has a negative effect on their lives in some way, which then negatively affect their interactions with me, and it's just not a great situation haha. I don't know if that makes much sense, but just know that I you are awesome! Have a blessed feast of St. Therese!!!!

  19. Hi Mary,

    I had to do this kind of diet (and kind of still do). I'm praying for you to hang in there. The first week or two is the worst. But I felt so much better after those 30 days that I continued the diet. Like was suggested above: give yourself little rewards and treats for being good each day. Makes life so much more pleasant. Realize that there is a whole world of cooking to try and experience. I rarely miss the old favorites because I've found so many new favorite foods that fit within my diet. Definitely gave me something to be excited about.

    God Bless and good luck.

  21. I'm right there with you. Same boat. Same health condition to a T. Thank you for sharing! Praying for you. Please pray for me too!-Amanda

  22. Mary, my husband and I started this diet in July. He needed to lose significant weight and I decided to support him. We decided it was a way to fast for our marriage and all marriages because we'd just heard the Supreme Court ruling late in June. It was really, really tough the first two weeks. I wanted to quit so many times because of sugar addictions, etc. but after two weeks, I felt better and I was able to see the way I used food to comfort me. It brought out a lot of things–good things that I learned about myself. My husband and I did the first Whole 30 and decided this is really the way we want to eat for the most part. My husband has lost 33 pounds so far and I have lost 18–and I was thinking I was just along for the ride. Your physician is a real healer, rare these days. I am praying for you and I know this will be an amazing blessing in your life and the life of your family. We start our 4th Whole 30 today–so we're with you!

    1. Yeah for your excellent results Bethanne!! So good to hear. Both my Doc and my awesome health coach (Hi Katie) are the best!! I am blessed indeed.

  23. Go for it, Mary. I'll pray.
    I began a diet some two years ago. It's tough times but the reward … a me that's me, more time for God and family … it totally worth it.

  24. I love you! I am with you. I'm doing the same changes health wise (including diet) also! Take me along with you! I'm right with you for learning how to care for myself with the same passion that I care for my kids and my husband. Yesterday, I did something hard. I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. It was all about pregnancy with 3 pregnancies in 5 years and I let all the basic self-care slide. I was SO embarrassed with shame I wanted to crawl out of the office. But I did it. In 2 weeks, I go to a new doctor for my first non-OB appointment in basically 7 years. You are a great lover, Mary! For God! For Countney. Now you can learn how to be a great lover of yourself! Thanks for taking me along with your journey!

  26. Dear Mary, the best book I ever read to help me put food into a healthy perspective was WOMEN, FOOD, AND GOD. I also got it on audio. It's amazing, Mary. I hope you read it. Best of luck, and I'm glad you see that you are as worthy of being treated with compassionate care as Courtney. XOXO

  27. I will be praying for you Mary! I just (9-28) started a journey to try to simultaneously improve my prayer life and my eating habits. My end date is 10-31, so I guess it is pretty much the same time frame.
    The words of your doctor are amazing! Courtney must be reaching out to care for you through your doctor.

    Ok, so on-line communal therapy may not be as effective as the real deal, but here's what I can offer…
    During a bible study our RE spoke about the relationship between controlling our physical appetites and discipline in prayer and said that early monastic fathers noted that it was almost impossible to have a healthy prayer life without control over our physical appetites – food & drink. (This is heavily paraphrased).
    His words stuck with me and I thought of how many times I reach for food rather than pray. I realized that part of it is laziness and part of it is a feeling of inadequacy – like a voice in my head saying, "God doesn't really want to hear me whining about this." I am trying to increase my trust and lean on HIM regardless of that nagging voice.

  28. You can do this!! I have been reading a lot about nutrition lately as I was trying to overcome fertility issues. Apparently grains are the devil for people who are pre diabetic or diabetic. Good news is that you can eat bacon as long as you can find it with no added sugar… whole foods supposedly has that, although I'm sure it ain't cheap. 😉 I came to enjoy eating lots of natural fats and that they replaced the desire for sugar and starches. I did eat grass fed butter as my only dairy.

    I spent almost three weeks eating no dairy, no sugars (natural ones like honey included), and no grains. I lost six pounds! Then gained it partway back on vacation for four days. :/ However, I finally conceived after months of trying! I don't know if the diet helped or what since I was trying about four different self helps at the time. I want you to know I am crediting your Courtney's intercession in part because after eight months, I prayed asking for her intercession specifically, along with that of my baby in heaven that I miscarried in December. Your daughter is a powerful prayer warrior up there asking God to help us here on earth!! Thanks for always sharing your story, because it has impacted many!

    1. This makes me so happy Erin!! God is so very, very good. Truly He is. His time is perfect time. Always. Blessing on your pregnancy and prayers for a healthy delivery. Hugs 🙂

  29. Hi Mary,

    Just heard your beautiful story on Haley & Christy's podcast. You are seriously an inspiration!

    I just started a Whole30 on October 1 to kick myself into eating healthy, creating a healthy relationship with food, and being grateful for the body God gave me. Now that I know you're doing it too I will offer up my cravings/headaches/crankyness for your success! You CAN do this!

    Thank you for sharing your story, your blog is such an uplifting, joyful place and a true testament to the greatness of God.

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