August- All the big feels

August brings with it BIG feels. First there’s Jerry’s and my wedding anniversary, which also happens to be my parents. Then comes our sweet saint Courtney’s birthday and finally Jerry’s parents wedding anniversary. 
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All of those dates come with their own stories, with their own hurts and healings, with their own joys and sorrows. All of them have impacted my journey this side of heaven and I am forever grateful for it all. 
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When I look at my Courtney I see peace. Here she is in her favorite chair, all curled up, no shoes or socks and her hair out of her face. So much peace for my sleeping beauty. 
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I miss her deeply, way down into the core of who I am. But almost six years after her death I can breathe again. My heart is slowly healing and I finally feel joy before any sadness when I think of her. 
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Life brings us challenges that make you question if you will ever smile or laugh again. Grief is one of them but it does not need to choke the joy out of the remainder of your life. What I have come to understand is that when you allow Grief to walk with you, hand in hand, it simply becomes part of your story, like a vine winding its way around a tower. It’s part of the landscape. There will be times it blooms heavy with a fragrance that seeps into every nook and cranny, overwhelming every part of your environment, making you stop and pay attention. You honor those feelings, you cry, you pray and then you walk on carrying your loved ones memory with you. Most days their memory brings a smile or laughter. You honor that joy as much as you do the Grief. It’s what sustains you.
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I have a choice to make every day. To choose joy or sadness. To choose virtue or vice. To choose hope or despair. Courtney taught me to hope. Jerry and I overcame vices. My parents and Jerry’s chose to remain faithful to God and to one another, creating a family worth fighting for. 
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It is no coincidence that August is dedicated to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. As always she walks with me handing and hand in sorrow and joy. The pierced heart surrounded by the fragrant roses, a beautiful symbol for the joy and sorrow we face this side of heaven. 
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One day at a time friends.