Week Two – Burn it ALL Down!

A few weeks ago, I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts when one of the hosts, Heather Khym, began sharing something the Holy Spirit had recently pressed upon her heart. As she shared, I knew that I was being asked the same question. “Am I willing to let it all go? To let down my walls allowing God to burn away everything standing between us, so that He can have His way with me.” That may not be a direct quote, but it’s what I wrote down and spent the next several days praying with. Was I willing to allow the Holy Spirit to burn it all down to truly hear what God desires of me?

I kept coming back to the expression “Why not burn it all down?” Was I willing to trust God enough, to hand my life over without knowing how it was all going to turn out? I knew I had to give it my best effort and Lent was the starting point. We are now two weeks in and I don’t know about you, but I am hot and sweaty on the struggle bus. Everywhere I look, it’s burning down y’all. My trust muscles have gotten a serious work out and we are not even halfway through this penitential season. 

Yikesarooni! 

The silence has been the most challenging especially in the later afternoon and evening. It’s funny how the mind works when plunged into silence. You have no excuse to avoid dealing with the tangled web of emotions, the distractions that block your progress and plain old boredom. I knew it would be hard but dang…it is kicking my butt. 

I was sharing my frustration with Jerry, and he chuckled and replied “It’s the first time you’ve been truly silent in years. Of course, it’s hard. Silence has always challenged you. You are a verbal processor. Now you must think things through and that feels messy and complicated to you.”

Messy and complicated indeed. 

Last weekend I had the great privilege of leading a Women’s Lenten Retreat in Southern MD and as I was preparing for it, I felt a ton of resistance during my prep time. So many mental distractions, doubt creeping in and daily life becoming challenging. I know this sometimes happens before I step into ministry, so I did what I have learned to do when I get overwhelmed. I wrote God a letter telling Him what I knew to be true and the lies I needed His help to get past. 

It felt good to put words to my feelings. I realized how much it helped keep me from overthinking or getting stuck in the mental and emotional weeds of preparing to speak. I prayed my way through it then I tore it into tiny pieces and threw it away. I felt 30 pounds thinner, and my mind and heart were calm, my purpose clear and I was ready to serve the women. I had poured out all the doubt and fear of not doing a good job and began to fill my head with the promises of God. It was like taking a deep breath of fresh mountain air, an exhilarating gift. 

That’s when the light bulb went off. I have never felt like I am a particularly smart person. Book learning has always been perplexing and challenging for me.  As a dyslexic, I always felt like reluctant writer, afraid to fail and embarrass myself yet God has used the written word and my gift of storytelling to help me immensely over my life, especially the last two decades. It’s the basis of my ministry and mentoring. Why was I stuck on calling myself a “reluctant” writer when writing is a gift given by God and it has had such a positive impact on my life?  

My heart dropped. I still believed the lie that Satan whispered into my heart over 48 years ago when I was in the second grade, struggling every day to read and understand what I was supposed to be learning. 

As I prayed through this revelation, I began to list out every lie about writing I have ever told myself. Oh, my goodness the list is long. So many lies, so little confidence in the Lord to guide and provide. By the end of that exercise, I felt sick to my stomach. I spend my days encouraging others to embrace the beauty of who God made them to be and celebrate the gifts and talents they have been given and yet here I was, not believing it for myself. 

I am stupid. I will fail. I am not smart enough or well-read enough or professional enough to be in ministry. I stumble over the pronunciation of words, spell phonetically and struggle to comprehend what I read. Writers at least know how to spell. 

These are some of the lies I wrote down that day. Never mind that I have written and published two books as well as contributed to many others. In my mind I have never fully owned being a writer, using words like “reluctant” or “unenthusiastic” or “hesitant” all because I still believe the lies. 

This not so little revelation would never have happened amid all the noise that I was using to cover over the uncomfortable parts of my life as well as the questions and doubts I have been grappling over in my heart.  Yes, I’m still struggling with the quiet, but that’s the whole point. No one said this was supposed to be easy. 

What a consolation!! A true gift from the Holy Spirit and let me tell you, the heat and sweat are worth it. I continued to pray through this for the next week, then I started another list of ALL the things I want to write about. I’m happy to say it’s a longer list than the first one! Ha! Take that Satan! Not only that but the doubt and hesitation I had over leading the retreat vanished. Praise the Lord!!

I know it’s not a one and done conversation with the Lord, but I felt such relief that I was able to go and serve Him this past weekend and then come home and truly rest. I didn’t do a play by play, I didn’t worry that I missed something, I didn’t overthink the event. I did my best and gave the rest to God. I allowed Him to burn down the doubt, hesitation to trust Him and any expectations I may have had and just put one foot in front of the other, speaking from my heart, using the words the Holy Spirit had given me and it was a fabulous event. 

The truth is that I am a writer, a mentor, and a professional speaker. I am a storyteller who uses humor and deep emotion to convey God’s redeeming love and the glory of forgiveness and restoration. I am smart and capable and humble enough to make sure I am surrounded by prayer and people smarter than me who will raise me up to my best self. 

I guess now I need to get really comfortable with the heat because Lord have mercy, the Holy Spirit is just getting started. Let’s fire it up and burn it all down.