groundhog day…
I feel like I am living in that movie “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray. Each day looks the same. Get up, make g-tube formula, give meds, give formula, change diaper, give formula, get Court cleaned up and dressed, give formula, get myself showered and dressed, give med, give formula, and so on…and so on…
This is what it’s like with in home hospice. Same thing different day. I don’t mind given that I know in the end my child will be laid in the arms of Christ and my arms will be forever empty. I have become slightly obsessed with holding Courtney as much as possible. She is not always a fan but thankfully she lets me do it anyway.
I am a highly unmotivated housekeeper these days, which is saying something given my past uninspiring performance. Somedays we have visitors and others none. That’s OK. I know that I will be closing those doors soon because it’s getting harder for me to deal with the emotions and the physical strain of others sadness. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful at all, but this is a hard thing, this letting go and saying goodbye.
The hospital bills keep rolling in. There are still funeral details to take care of and pay for. Jerry still has no offer and his last day at work is still Oct. 3 unless he is extended again. I am trying not to freak out. I know that God has this situation fully in hand but golly that is one tall order for me these days. I want to be a strong woman of faith, be positive and joyful but there are times when I want to shout and scream and pout and stomp and just let it all go.
Humanity is such a cross sometimes. So I pray, I cry on occasion, I hold my daughter, I laugh with my son, I crave everything pancake and waffle like, but so far have resisted death by powdered sugar. I decided today that I just want this done, then I felt like crap all afternoon for wishing a quicker ending for my daughter.
There is no winning here. Courtney is still going to die. I am still going to crave all things WaffleHouse and bills will still need to be paid. That my friends is one crap pie.
So until tomorrow when we get to do it all over again…know you are being prayed for and for heavens sake, keep me away from the breakfast buffet…
for any help with Courtney’s extensive medical bills**
sending so much love <3
much love to you, dear one!
Know you are being prayed for and prayers that both of us can sidestep the sweet and carby.
My dear Mary…
I've never met either the Warrior Princess or you. To no end, I have known you through the interwebs. A priest said something to me in confession the other day about an "odd situation" in my life, and he said (get this?!?!)… "You are entirely normal." Guess what? You are right, the Humanity you speak of, it's entirely normal. BUT the person you are the person who keeps going for 22 years, that is one ~ You are inspired by God's Grace. One inspired to continue for LOVE for a special love that can only be powered by ————— God! Dear, not only is your daughter on the path to Sainthood, you are too.
May Mary and Jesus' love envelope Courtney, Jerry, Jonathon and YOU until this path, this race is over for each of you….
Love in Christ,
Michelle.
What kind of work does Jerry do? Maybe you've already told us that and I missed it. It seems like a long shot, but maybe if you could share his field someone local to you might have know of something and be able to pass it on. You never know.
Praying for you and yours…
Mary,
Waffles are God's food. You go on and enjoy them…with powdered sugar on top or syrup. Hugs to you and continued prayers.
Love and prayers to you.
The liturgy is pretty much the same each day too, different readings (different tube feed?) same pattern, you are weaving a path to Heaven with your work and prayer, no matter how repetitive it seems. Keep loving that girl for us all. xx
Mary: I'm sending you and your family hugs, love and strength for this tough time. 🙁