if only she would stay…

ByMary Lenaburg

Miss Courtney spent most of her day in bed, all rolled up in a ball comfy and cozy. I finally got her up around three this afternoon and she was agitated. She didn’t want to be held, she just wanted to stretch out. So I put her on her mat and she rolled form side to side and hummed. I tried to hold her one more time and she would not have it. So back to her happy mat she went.

I sat down in our chair and tears streamed down my face. What if she wouldn’t let me hold her agin? What if she just needed to be in bed stretched or curled up or snuggled in between pillows for the rest of her time with us?

I quietly cried. 

My Mom took my hand and told me to let it out. She reassured me in that moment that all would be well no matter what. Courtney wasn’t rejecting me, she just wanted to be alone for a bit. Typical young adult she said.

I don’t know why it just hit me like that. My heart aches so bad tonight. The thought of never holding her again is too much for this Mama to contemplate. Just too much.

Tonight, after her last tube feeding, Miss Courtney started having seizures.  I found myself holding my sweet girl as she suffered though one after another, as she worked her way through breathing and pulsating and crying. An hour went by, then a second one. Finally she calmed down and fell asleep.

In my arms. Where she was meant to be. Where I want her to stay. Forever.

I held her as she breathed in and out, in and out. I kissed her beautiful head and stroked her hair. I lifted her sweet hands to my lips then held them close to my heart. This sweet beautiful creature who God decided I would have the privilege to love for her whole life and more, curled into me and that was the best part of my day. Plumbing be damned.

I am so very tired. 

I don’t want my Courtney to die. I don’t. 

I would deal with 20 seizures a day and her face turning blue and her crying out for her Mama, if only she would stay. 

I would deal with adult diapers until I can’t move, if only she would stay. 

I would get up every three hours to feed her for the rest of my life if she would just stay. 

Whatever had to be done, I would do it, if she would just stay.

Unfortunately, God has a different plan in mind. At least that what it looks like tonight. I gotta say I am not a fan of this plan. Not.a.fan.at.all.

Waves of grief come over me with no warning and I have Kleenex boxes at the ready on every surface in the house. Not the best decorating look I have to say.  

Every time my son goes to work or leaves to go hang out with his friends, he first stops and gives his sister a kiss, whispers love that only she can hear and then heads out. When he comes home, he goes straight to her bedside and does the same.

It.breaks.my.heart. 

Whatever has not broken already shatters again at the thought of Courtney not here to hum or yell or kick her boots into the street in the pouring rain. 

I do not know how I will survive this loss. I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to hold my sweet girl for a little while longer. Please God…just a little while longer. 

If only Lord, you would just let her stay…

26 Comments

  7. Oh Mary, I'm so sorry you are going through this agony. You, Courtney and your family have been in my prayers for as long as I've had the privilege of knowing you as a blogging friend. I will continue to pray. I don't know how it can happen in these circumstances, but I know in my heart and soul that your mom is right, all will be well. Thinking of you.

  9. I know the feeling of begging for your child's life and I also know the feeling of not getting the answer you want. But I can also attest to the fact that the Lord will be right there providing comfort and peace and eventually, even joy even though right now you can not fathom how that could be possible.

    As always, I am praying fervently for you and your beautiful family.

  10. Mary,
    You and your family show us how to live and love through the worst of times.
    Thank you for walking that hard road.
    Once again my prayers for you:
    , may you and yours find a peaceful, pain- and seizure-free place to spend your time together and more time to cherish.
    Love,
    Donna, aka GGG

  11. your family is such a stunning contras. right now…in a world that hails someone as "heroic" for taking her own life ao her family will be spared the difficulties of caring for her as.she.dies…look what you and Courtney teach. Just breathtaking.

  12. Hey, Mary, a very wise lady gave me an assignment for this week, and I think it would be good for you, too. The assignment is to spend an hour each day (or whatever you have) snuggled up inside the sacred heart of Jesus. I am not much of an "imaginer" so this is not easy for me, but this morning at Mass I got such a gift to "hear" Jesus tell me "You are safe here." This stuff just doesn't happen to me, but today I heard Him. I think you need some comfort that only snuggling in the Sacred Heart will bring–just as you comfort Courtney. Jesus wants to bring you some comfort and peace, I just feel it.

  17. The love of a mother…so beautiful and so heartbreaking all at the same time. I am currently pregnant with our daughter Lily who has been diagnosed with a terminal neural tubal defect. I am due in two weeks. I find myself saying the same thing…if only she could stay. My son is 18 months and his memory of his sister will most likely be in pictures, which makes my heart ache even more. Your family will be in our prayers…God bless

  19. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. God doesn't have it in His plan to take your daughter. The bible says He is love. He wouldn't do such a thing, especially knowing it would hurt the people close to her. There is hope that God will get rid of death, sicknesses, and pain (Rev 21:3,4). Here's article to maybe read later too if something does happen with her. http://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/bible-teach/real-hope-for-your-loved-ones-who-have-died/

  20. Dearest Mary, please know you are in my prayers and on my mind. Your mom sounds amazing. What a blessing she is to you, just as you are such a blessing to your Courtney.

  22. When it's time your girl will go from your sweet arms to the Blessed Mother's arms !!! No pain , no seizures …. Just a wonderful young women meeting her Heavenly Morher!!! Boy will the choirs of angels be singing!!! Please let that vision take the place in your heart when grief EncourageSupport@yahoogroups.com
    Date: October 6, 2014, 4:35:21 AM CDT
    To: EncourageSupport@yahoogroups.com
    Subject: [EncourageSupport] Digest Number 4813
    Reply-To: "No Reply"overwhelms you!!!! The tears you cry are golden and will fill you with the grace you need to go on without your girl…. Your sweet angel saint !!!Praying praying praying……

  26. Praying. Thank you for sharing your suffering, Christ's suffering is so much more tangible with you witness. Oh how He loves us.

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