a marathoner I am not…

ByMary Lenaburg

I know, it has been a week since I was here in this space. My apologies but we have had a hard few days here with Miss Courtney.


Seizures ALL day Sunday. Wrestles ALL day Monday. Seizures ALL day today.


She doesn’t want you to hold her or touch her. She can’t seem to find a comfy way to sleep. She seizes and then whimpers and then seizes again. We have given her rescue meds three times in two days and she has not slept since Monday morning.


She is plan worn out.


I am worner outer.


This is the hard part of letting her go. I cannot always comfort her. I have tried every trick in my vast arsenal of twenty-two years of being her Mama and I cannot fix this. It’s killing me people. Slowly but surely, this is just taking me down.


My girl is such a fighter. I am so proud of her strength and her fortitude but we are reaching a place where her little body will not be able to fight much more. Her seizure meds have been increased and that is all that can be done to help ease her distress.


She started running a low grade fever this afternoon and I called the Doc. He walked me though all the steps of trying to figure out what could be wrong. Because of her frail state, going to the ER with all the illnesses that are floating around is just not an option right now. So we have a protocol in place and we will wait and see if this develops into anything and go from there.


I know I am to stand on faith that God has a plan for my girls Heaven Homecoming. I have no doubt that once she is there I will feel great joy that her race has been run with all the grace she could muster. But watching it happen is a whole other story.


This is the hard work of mothering and caregiving. Knowing that there is nothing you can do to bring comfort and relying completely on Our Father and his Blessed Mother to bring my girl home. The tears flow freely these days and I am not ashamed of them. I have loved this child with my whole being, as I love her brother. My heart expands each day, filled with more love and respect for this child who is carrying out God’s plan for her life with incredible dignity.


I just want healing and peace for her. No more pain, no more fear.


That will only come when she is standing at the foot of the throne of Our Gracious God. So I cry, I pray, I hold her when she lets me, I sing to her, I read to her, I cry some more, I pray over her, I pray for her, I pray for others. I do everything I can with what little energy I have and trust that God will take care of the rest.


So please keep praying for our girl. Pray that she has a peaceful death whenever God is ready for her to come home to Him. Pray that I am able to sleep and not worry. Pray that when I am filled with fear and doubt that I am not doing enough, that the devil takes a hike and leaves me in peace.


God is good ALL the time. We will praise Him in the rain and praise Him in the sunshine. We will run this race and stay on our very tired feet as long as the Lord deems it so.


Have I ever told you how much I hate long distance running? A marathoner I am not.


God help me and my sweet Courtney…now and always…

“We humbly thank you for any help paying off Courtney’s extensive medical bills 
and taking care of the cost of the remainder of her final arrangements**

We Love the Lenaburgs – Team Courtney Fundraiser

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21 Comments

  1. This past week as I have had patients with seizure disorders and risk of seizures I offer up my day and all my worries for my patients for your family and Miss Courtney. Keep fighting the good fight of faith!

  4. We are praying! For Miss Courtney, for you, for Jerry, for Jonathan. We love you all.
    My daughter, who is four, and I were talking about Heaven this weekend. She said, out of the blue, that when she gets to Heaven she wants to build princess puzzles with Miss Courtney. Thank you for bringing Heaven so close to us, Lenaburgs. Reading your blog and witnessing your love is witnessing His love. We love you.

  7. Mary, our family is praying for yours every day. You've been prayed for during my morning rosary walks and I've prayed for you (and especially Courtney) at daily mass the past two days. I specifically asked Jesus to lay his hands on Courtney and heal her, whatever that looks like in His will.

  12. I have followed you silently for a bit now, and was so worried when your blog had a week of silence. I want you to know that you and your family are in my prayers, you have been, and will continue to be.

  14. And I thought I was having a rough day. I'm really not, and I'm grateful once more for what I have. However, I'll offer up all those little irritations for you and Miss Courtney today. Peace be with all of you.

  15. Mary, please know that our family has been praying for you and your Courtney, and I have been offering up some suffering going on in my life in unity with you. The foot of the cross is such a difficult place to be– but so sacred. Prayers from across the border in MD!

  17. I've been following you for a few weeks now, and I think there are many others like me who have joined you in prayer for your girl.

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