dear courtney…{p,h,f,r} 2015…vol.4…

Today has been a hard day. So in keeping with my promise to keep it real in this space, todays {pretty, happy funny, real} will take on a little different tone. 

Dear Courtney, 


Oh how we miss you my sweet girl. It’s funny. Some days everything seems normal. Daddy, Jonathan and I go about our day doing all those boring things that need doing, from going to work, cleaning the house to picking up dry cleaning. Then something will happen…we will hear a song, smell hamburgers on the grill, see a pair of orange Chucks and all of a sudden, we find ourselves looking for you. Like we lost you in the mall or something. 


Then it happens. My stomach drops and my hands shake and ALL THAT EMOTION comes pouring back because I know you’re not lost at all. I know exactly where you are and it’s not here. 


It’s not here. 


The last two days, all three of us have had several of these moments. All three of us are swimming upstream against all of this grief and being completely honest, I feel like I am drowning. The ache in my heart is deep and my arms feel so empty. Yet, life keeps moving forward and everyone else is living life and raising babies and celebrating milestones and the three of us are standing still, grief pooling at our feet like cement, making it damn hard to move forward, let alone feel joy again. 


Everything feels heavy. I used to find such comfort in lifting you, holding you in my arms. 100 pounds of love. I miss the sweet heaviness of you in my arms smiling and giggling. The heavy I feel now is hard and exhausting to bear. It’s so much more challenging to find the joy in the every day. I know it’s there, just beyond my reach but dang it Court…it’s just feels so darn far away. 


Like you do. 


I was going through some photos of you today and I wept. I wept with the joy for having gotten the privilege to love and care for you. I wept for the sadness and grief that weighs me down because you are no longer here for me to love. 

2012

I am a sailboat adrift at sea with no anchor. You see, sweet Courtney, you were our families anchor. Yes, God is our ultimate anchor and He has never left our side throughout this whole process. Never. He is here now in these words and sadness. 


You, however, anchored our daily life. When you were here, everyone knew what to do. We all had a job and we did it well. When it all went to crap, we still knew what to do. When it was all joy, we celebrated and again, knew what to do. 


Now, there is confusion and pain as we try to navigate.


You were so easy to love sweet girl. So very easy. It wasn’t as simple to take care for your daily needs for sure, but you would smile or laugh and all of a sudden, there was a lightness to the day. Your smile equaled JOY, abundant joy!! It could turn a really crappy day into a party. No kidding. You had that kind of power my girl. 


Now, Daddy, Jman and I are forced to move forward without you. It’s not the same and damned hard for that matter. I know that you are in heaven and being there has got to be the most beautiful, wonderful, awesome thing…like ever. I don’t want you to leave there (like that’s even possible) to come back here to be in pain again, to feel fear again, to suffer more. You did your job and now it’s time for your reward. 


I just want to be there with you so much. I want to see what your seeing, feel what your feeling, just be with you and hold your hand again. 


But…


That’s not God’s plan is it little girl? At least not for now. For now we have to pick up and move on here without you. We have to figure out what God needs for us to do next and then make it happen. We have to figure out how to remember you and celebrate your life without falling into a pit of despair every time that pool of grief begins to gather. 

2014

Today, I got an iced coffee which made me {happy}, bought the brightest orange {pretty} flower I could find and I came to “see” you. I cried and talked to you, being as {real} as real gets. I know, I talk to you all the time, but when I am looking at your little marker, seeing your name and date of death on it, there is something that breaks open in me and I just let it all go. 


I miss you so much it hurts. One day that hurt will fade and not be so difficult to bear. One day, there will be only love left to that hole in my heart. 


One day…


Until then, I promise do my best to find the joy in each day. To celebrate you throughout the remainder of my journey here this side of heaven. To show love to all, especially the special ones like you were. To be the face of Christ to those I meet. To withhold judgement and remain resolute in honoring the dignity of the life God blessed you with and continues to bless your Daddy, Jman and I with. I promise to do my best to not give up or give in to the sadness or despair that paws at my heals and my heart. 


I promise…pinky swear promise…and I have yet to break one of those to you, have I??


Love, 
Your Mama

*** fundraising update***
10:33 p.m.
6/12/15
You did it! Praise God from Whom ALL blessings flow. You have raised enough for the final payment for Courtney’s headstone. Words fail me. Our family is so very grateful. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 


‪#‎StCourtneyPray4Us‬ ‪#‎courtneyelizabeth‬ ‪#‎lossofachild‬ ‪#‎misshereveryday‬ ‪#‎lovethosecurls‬ ‪#‎neverforget‬ ‪#‎alwayshope‬ ‪#‎lovealwayswins‬


Dear Friends, 
 On Mother’s Day, you granted a most beautiful wish. You all raised $2,200.00 dollars for Courtney’s headstone. We put all of it as a downpayment on her stone.  It was one of many miracles that have happened since Courtney’s death.

We have since received the final bill from the memorial company and the total came to $3173.00 leaving us $973 short of being able to pay it off in full. So, I am once again letting go of my pride and putting up the PayPal button for those that may feel called to help us make that final payment. As soon as the goal is reached (God willing) we will take it down. 

We humbly thank you for loving our Courtney and helping our family make this happen. 


Blessings,