wednesday musings…a tired spirit…

tonight i am tired … just so tired … i love the snow but seriously … 30 inches … all at once … just a little too much … it’s been a tough few weeks … two car accidents … praise God no one was hurt … then insurance claims … deductibles to pay … phone calls upon phone calls to make and receive … aches and pains from muscle strain from said accidents … body shops … rental cars … doctors appointments canceled … rescheduled … canceled and rescheduled again … then there was the grocery trip from hell … followed by two more for good measure … at least those people were nice the second time around … then came the snow … and more snow … and then more snow … then came the shoveling … and more shoveling … then I feel and hit my knee at just the right angle to give me the most spectacular goosegg … along with some lovely purple bruising … it hurts like hell … another co-pay at urgent care … hard to bend but nothing is broken … I can get to work now … the world continues on … God calls people home … their families grieve … i help as much as i can … i  create a plan with them … we celebrate their lives with the Eucharist … god is forever … the beginning and the end … the alpha and omega … and the sun goes down … and the sun goes up … i am tired … my heart is heavy and i know why … i need god … i need him something fierce … i haven’t been spending as much time with him as i should have … and it shows … i am tired … and i need him to carry me … to lay my burdens down and rest … but my mind races and worries … it’s hard to sleep … it’s hard to lay those troubles down … it’s these times i miss courtney the most … i miss holding her and loving her … i miss our simple life together … yes there was drama and worry … but somehow we were stronger together … i know she intercedes for me everyday … i know she does for many … but it’s not the same as holding her … looking into her eyes and knowing we had each other … i feel like the cars above … buried and struggling to figure it all out … to make it all work right … there is a new medical condition for me that needs attending … it requires more change in my life … i am tired of change … so much new … no more new … even if the new is good and wonderful … i want my girl in my arms … surrounded in flannel and love … just us and the blessed mother … having a little chat … knowing it will all be ok … it’s hard to lose a child … it’s really, really hard … survivable yes … but damn what i wouldn’t give for one more look into courtney’s eyes … one more smile … one more laugh … i am so tired of the new … of the change … of the challenge to live without her … not depressed friends … just sad … change is hard … missing her is hard … handling lots of stress and change at once is hard … but jesus … he got it all figured out … now to seek him and hold on …